Little Dog On A Lead’s Kennel

About me and my stories

I spend most of my time chasing marine iguanas on a volcanic island in the Pacific Ocean.  When I am not doing that I relax, happily hanging upside-down, munching leaves from a yaruma tree in the Brazilian rain forest. I am 106 years old and share the good looks of film star: Elmer Fudd.  I was once stared at on a bus by Windy Miller, the famous star of the 1960s t.v. show Camblewick Green (this is a true story). My hobbies include: making loud screeching noises on electric guitar; walking and cycling along leafy lanes; and photographing bits of rusty corrugated iron – or train shed roofs. And I make up stories.

I have produced a number of short story collections and a mini-novel and am currently working on another short story collection and a novel, which I hope to complete after I have finished painting the Forth Rail Bridge (I am currently applying the undercoat).

My stories are off-beat. darkly humorous, sometimes with a twist and occasionally puerile. My influences are Monty Python, Roald Dahl, cheddar cheese, Saki, tidal variations caused by the Moon and pretty much anything else. A large number of my stories feature animals – especially penguins and giant pandas (it’s a black and white thing) – but they are not Watership Down. A small number of my stories feature alien life-forms but they are not Science Fiction. Some of the stories feature sad, sad people – usually in ridiculous circumstances. None of my stories are War And Peace – except for a short story called War And Peace. Apparently my mini-novel I, CHIMP caused Leo Tolstoy to bite through his Biro out of envy (but I have not had this confirmed officially). No pandas were harmed during the making of any of my stories – except for the one in Edinburgh Zoo. And the damage caused to the penguin was an accident.

CLICK ON THE BOOK COVER IMAGES BELOW FOR LINKS TO THE BOOKS or try this link here

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It Never Happened

ISBN 1230001474619

There are forty-five stories in this collection of short stories.

Stories that make you smile – some quirky, some thought provoking and some that made me laugh out loud! Looking forward to It Never Happened Too! 😁 – Dave from Witney, Oxfordshire, England (March 22, 2018)

Ragu The Eskimo‘They say the innuit language has fifty words to describe fifty type of snow.  Ragu hated all fifty types of snow.’
Blood‘There’s only so much evidence a small Jack Russell can dispose of.’
Belief Is Everything – Albert and Des set off to find out whether America exists.
Crime – The butler did it, but where’s the proof?
Autumn 1797 – The man from Porlock has come to fix the drains.
The Monkey That Came Down From The Trees –  ‘The biggest problem facing a monkey today is trees.’

This Never Happened Too

ISBN 1230002148076

Fifty dark, off-beat, humorous short stories with a twist. If you enjoy reading Dahl or Saki then you might well enjoy reading these (it’s a theory, anyway). No animals were harmed in the making of these stories (except for the panda).

I, Chimp – A bored zoo chimp starts to paint on his compound walls.
Chin A Panda – A man. A panda. A fight.  Who wins?
This Never Happened, Too – Nancy Beardsley’s half-blind, deaf dog succumbs to the unstoppable wheels of a road-roller, and her new pet, George, with its ravenous appetite, becomes unstoppable, too.
Anthony – ‘Tony was an atheist. Not for him the wimpish, effete, uncertainty of agnosticism: he was a devoutly true unbeliever; staunch in his views, and active in his contempt for stupid, woolly-headed, God-fearing fools.’
Biscuit – Carl and Karen’s dog has bitten off more than it can chew.
A Lesson In Life – Alice the teacher explains the facts of life to her innocent pupils.

Painting By Numbers

ISBN 1230002550619

Yet another collection from my trusty red crayon.

Force Equals Mass Times Acceleration – A death explained in terms of Physics.  ‘Derek little body was no match for the mass and velocity of the car, or the mass and inertia of the oak tree on the side of the A38.’
The Dog Poo Detective – Seth has unusual abilities which help him get a job in the District Parks Division.  ..dog-owners knew that Seth would ‘get his man’ or ‘woman’ – or dog.
One Final Request“Did you know,” said Arthur, “Frank Sinatra was buried with his favourite Zippo lighter?  And Miles Davis was buried with his trumpet.”
Painting By Numbers – Robert announces at his retirement party that he will be doing ‘a bit of painting’.  His wife is pleased that she will finally see a newly decorated kitchen… until she finds out what sort of painting Robert means.
Starman – When the aliens came to take Nathan, he looked forward to a better world: more advanced; more civilised; with different – perhaps cheaper – postage stamps to collect.

This Could Be Our Finest Hour

NOTE: this book has been replaced by One Hundred And One Strange Stories.

ISBN: 1230003999127

Due out in October 2021 a new collection of short stories from the trusty red crayon.

Og-Rurah And Fly – A love story from the internet.
This Could Be Our Finest Hour – A dinner party produces an unexpected evening of interest for the otherwise disinterested John, with the discovery that his sister-in-law, Lucinda, has ‘club a baby seal’ on her bucket list.
A Zebra Is Not Just For Christmas – How to bury a giraffe in your back garden.
Together, Side-By-SideA man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Andy picks a fight in a bookshop.
Animal Rights – Police identity recognition cameras cause John to end up at the zoo.

NOTE: the above book has been replaced by One Hundred And One Strange Stories, a book for those people who enjoy the less serious aspects of life.

I, Chimp

ISBN: 1230004114468

The novel that had Leo Tolstoy biting his Biro in envy. Martin the chimpanzee sets out his story.

I, Chimp is the story of: ‘..Life from the other side of the bars. Being the life, thoughts and ambitions of an ambitious, thoughtful and lively Pan troglodytes..’
I, Chimp is: ‘..not an autobiographical account of my life in the strictest sense – I have not included details of my early childhood, for example; it is a sketch of important events that have helped shape my life, and my thoughts on a number of subjects that interest me greatly (literature, music and the arts, bananas – for example). Readers of my Jay Spond spy novels (now all made into major films) may find clues as to the origin of some of the storylines..’
I, Chimp tells of his unfulfilled desire for artistic expression (‘..appreciation from the zoo keepers didn’t follow: “Reg, that chimp’s been wiping its shit on the walls again. Get the hose out and clean it off.”..’); his discovery of the world of writing (‘..when I first set out to write, on that typewriter I had taken from the vet’s examining room, I had high ideals; I wanted to write something lofty and poignant – something that would have spectacle-wearing intelligentsia fawning over me and flattering and praising me..’); and his escape from the zoo (‘..I was fairly gibbering to myself with fear and excitement when I broke through to the surface and cool air from above hit me, drying my tear-filled eyes..’).
I, Chimp tells of his pleasure from music (‘..in a tumbled-down brick shed, standing on burnt-out, roughened ground – all that was left of the Palais de Dance – I spent many hours practising. One of the valves had become stuck – possibly when ‘Mr Dexy’ had dropped the trumpet in his flight – so my repertoire was a little limited..’); and his eventually successful career in the world of spy novels (‘..so I read Ian Fleming and rewrote his books – changing every third word (and a few names and places). And no one noticed..’) which has given him a Fleming-esque lifestyle but with certain regrets (‘..these days I use oils for paint: it is expensive but I can afford it – I am no longer driven by necessity, but tubes of Italian Earth and Mars Yellow fail to help reproduce the glory of the originals that remain etched in my mind’s eye. That vibrancy, that once had me biting my beach ball, is missing..’).

Where you Can Buy These Books

All of these books can be purchased from the Kobo Bookstore – or from sites listed on the ‘Where you can buy the books’ page.

Free E-book

ISBN: 1230002272467

If you don’t feel like buying one of the above books (yet), you could try this international best seller for free. Fourteen dark, humorous (and occasionally puerile) short stories from the crayon of Peter Coomber. A fusion of Saki, Dahl and Mao Zedong (OK, so this description is stretching things a little bit). The January 2021 edition now includes a story from the latest collection Painting By Numbers (June 2019) and two stories from This Could Be Our Finest Hour (Oct 2021).
This book contains some strong language, so please hold your hands over your ears when reading these stories.