Dear Tom Hanks

Dear Tom Hanks,

I am ever so pleased that your book of short stories – Uncommon Type – has sold fifty billion copies (I know – I could be exaggerating those numbers).  Sales of your book have proved that the short story form is alive and kicking, and that there is still hope for the rest of us pencil-scribblers (I use a crayon, myself).

I think it wonderful that people are reading short stories.  I think it is wonderful – for me – because I get a nose bleed when my word count gets anywhere near a couple of thousand, and I just don’t have the energy to put together anything approaching a novelette (even).  In fact, one hundred and sixteen words into this missive and I’m starting to get panicky [deep breaths, deep breaths].

And I think it is marvellous that you have written about typewriters.  They are so ‘clacky’.  I use a crayon, myself – silent, no sound.  And on an English ‘QWERTY’ keyboard, ‘TYPEWRITER’ can be written by just using the keys of the top row of letters (why is the Q there?).  So I guess the top row of your typewriter must have more wear-and-tear than the other rows (unless you used a crayon).

I think it is brilliant that you have had a successful acting career – winning two OSCARS for Best Actor.  My own acting career was less glittering.  I was booed when I played the baby Jesus in the school nativity play: too ugly, they said; and I kept forgetting my lines.  I never trod the boards again.  But I didn’t let that stop me.  I took up my crayon and wrote.

But I’m not jealous – oh no, no, no, not me!  Fifty billion copies sold, as against three copies sold (one..two..three – no need to take my socks off).  Gritting my teeth can almost be written on the top two rows of letters of a QWERTY keyboard (except, that it comes out as: Grittig y teeth).  No – I’m happy.  Happy.  La-la-lah!

I’m sorry that I haven’t got around to reading your book, but I’m pretty certain that you have never read mine.  One of my stories also features a typewriter in it (you might like it).  Most of the rest of my stories feature giant pandas (I know: I’m weird – it’s a black-and-white thing).  But I’m sure that, if I do get around to reading your book, I will enjoy your stories (I mean, fifty billion people can’t be wrong, can they? Three people could be, though…)

So, before I start bleeding from the nose [four hundred words! deep breaths, deep breaths], I’ll finish with a very cheery hello!

Yours sincerely,
Peter Coomber

Tom Hank’s Uncommon Type is a collection of seventeen short stories; each one featuring a typewriter.

Peter Coomber’s This Never Happened Too includes one story that features a typewriter, and the rest feature a few giant pandas – it’s a black-and-white thing…