People often ask for details of me. Usually policemen. But other people are interested in what I am: what I look like, and why do I write such utter rubbish?
My official photograph shows me in my blue Ron Hill Trackster, with red socks, boots and a natty light green top. I am also carrying a dark green rucksack – because I like walking.
Sadly, the photograph is a little old: my red socks have disappeared, as has my small dark green rucksack, and my Ron Hill Trackster have gone to the blue beyond (the large hole in the back of them was causing some embarrassment – especially when I leaned forward a little to check my boot laces). Also my slim, svelte figure has grown somewhat: I have to lean forwards a little in order to check the digits on my electronic weighing scales (does it really go that high?). My hair remains as ‘ungrown’ as before.
So, if you want to know what I look like, look at the photograph and imagine me ‘expanded’, and without the blue and the red and the dark green.
The natty light green top was a red herring. I have never worn a natty light green top whilst out walking. This was a false trail laid down by me because I am a private person. So private, you won’t catch me on day-time t.v. talking to day-time t.v. presenters about my latest book, or in a book store reading short extracts of my short stories. Neither will you find me abseiling from a tall building, wearing nothing (not even a pair of Ron Hill Trackster with a serious hole problem) but a sign that says: PLEASE BUY MY BOOK.
No, I am quite content to go the way of J.D. Salinger: I am happy for a photograph of me with just the hint of my nose peeping out from behind my hand.
But people are not content with this. Some people don’t want to look at just the end of my nose. Some people want to see the ‘real person’. They want to see this so that they can judge me, and understand why I write such utter rubbish. So just for them, here is my new official photograph.
As you can see, I look every day of my one hundred and six years of age. And you will notice the strong resemblance to that famous film star: Elmer Fudd (people often comment on that).
Other facts about me:
- I spend a major part of each year chasing marine iguanas on the barren volcanic, South Pacific island of E Le Tupu Foi Lenei Mea;
- When not chasing marine iguanas, I spend the rest of my time hanging upside-down from a Yaruma tree in the Amazon jungle;
- I was once stared at – whilst sat on a bus – by that famous t.v. star of the sixties: Windy Miller;
- My legs are short by about one inch; so my feet don’t actually touch the ground.
[Note: only one of the above facts is true.]
Another fact: I enjoy making up stories…
[Next Week: How To Create Friends And Influence Others]